Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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