There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
