Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
