Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
