If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
