worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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