can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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