i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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