you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
