you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
