Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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