Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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