Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
