I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
