You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
