my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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