He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
