i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
