if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she told me i tasted like america
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
