What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
