My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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