You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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