I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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