omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
