he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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