Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
