I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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