im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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