You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
