you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
