I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
