I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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