WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
