every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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