So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
