Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
