i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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