u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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