you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
