I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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