There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
