The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
