you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
