I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
