Is it normal to miss your booty call?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
