Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
