Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
