I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
