god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
