when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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